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In those ten free days I saw the same guys on line. That means, skip the multiple choice questions and go right to the dowry requirements.

Several month later, Christian Café sent me ten free days to try to get me to come back. Christian Café kept stalking me, luring me in with ten free days, then five. A 45-year old Indian physics professor named Sanjee wanted to fast track me.

What if I’d like to spend a week night alone with a black man? Come on, I didn’t get even ONE of the 24 dimensions right? As if being 41 and still single didn’t tell me that already? No thanks, I’d rather walk than drive the wrong car. He asked if I saw gray areas, contradictions and nuances in life. Creative artists probably see too much nuance and complexity. e Harmony’s core belief is that people get along if they think alike.

Sure, my nose is a little crooked, but I fit the rest of Western society’s standards for beauty and success. If both people "heart" the other, you'll have a match; but people aren't necessarily revealed to each other on the same day so don't expect anything immediate. So will users who consistently don't respond, behave offensively, suggest casual encounters, wear anything other than white, or ask questions (OK, two of those aren't true). And because there's some form of a background check on swipers, you've got less potential for bots and serial killers.

And, like anyone in the virtual world, I can come up with a damn witty "about me" section. The flakier you are (not responding, not logging in), the fewer matches you'll get. " I end up not having a choice because NYC is humid AF that day, and I arrive too sweaty to not acknowledge that I’m sweaty.

Alright, so maybe it was the way I answered some of the questions: Like, Yeah, I’m over thirty. Then I tried this internet dating site another friend told me about, called Christian Café. Men in drag, magician outfits, a guy who looked like Santa Claus on a bender. Nothing like making the holidays even more depressing than trying to find a guy on a Christian website that guarantees men with no ‘nads. On a lark I emailed him, gave him my real email address. My last boyfriend taught me never to date someone so young I could have been his babysitter. I started to recognize the smart, funny, mature guy I’d met in emails. If he continued to “show up” he might end up being, you know, The One. If you see contradictions in life, you’re not going to get matched.

So, 45 minutes and 100s of questions later, identified my 24-dimensional personality. My roommate said e Harmony rejected a percentage to weed out “crazy people.” I wondered how she knew this. Right before Christmas, Christian Café offered me two free days. The next time he asked me out, he was less guarded, more fun. The third date, I noticed the earring in his ear looked good against his “not so wild hair.” It turned out he liked Monty Python and Emma Thompson. And he let it slip out that he owned a vinyl copy of the Beatles Bootleg Christmas album. They match people based on statistical probability that they’ll think or act alike in any given situation.

He seemed fun, but in our first phone call, he talked about his friends like I already knew them. Finally we got to the open questions, but before he could ask me about the size of my dowry, I asked him why it was so important that his partner be so attractive but he didn’t have his picture posted. It was a long shot of a man sitting on top of a Coleman cooler in a weedy back yard. He stared off in a strange direction, like a Civil War daguerreotype. The others I got matched with looked into the camera but had creepy vacant eyes, like the church had stolen their spontaneity. I figured this kind of matching works for people in the fly-over states who chose their jobs because a college counselor told them they’d like it.

At best, the guy says, “that’s great for you.” And doing the spiritual life alone got really lonely. Then I got an email from some church boy who worked in film. Must have a woman who is in excellent physical shape. Can’t stand a woman who is not extremely attractive.

Over the next four days we emailed each other back and forth a lot.

Even if you’re not going through a heart-wrenching breakup … If you’re honest, you’d be a liar NOT to answer yes. Now, whenever I see those perky couples on e Harmony ads? Then a woman instant-messaged me because she was going through a crisis and needed a “Christian sister” to talk to. In the two days I was online for free, never heard from him. About a week or so later, Writer Guy emailed me at my real email address. He wore clogs and had longish wild hair, which he kept running his fingers through. It was like watching someone’s face emerge in a Polaroid. But I once thought that about my last two boyfriends. I saw Writer Guy for several months, and he got smarter, funnier, sexier, and more like Jesus every day. So people, if e Harmony rejects you, chances are you are complex, artistic, flexible and interesting.

The League is yet another tool distracting from your loneliness, enabling your paradox-of-choice-like fear of commitment, and reminding you how little (or how much) self-respect you currently have.

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